Seriously just breathe

I have been warning Dev for months now that there will be a little a lot of emotions from me during wedding week, that is obvious and no surprise to anyone.  A bride is always going to be emotional on her wedding day.  However what I didn’t expect was how early on this emotion would start.  It is such a funny thing, I felt it – the moment that our countdown went from being a month-and-something to under a month – I felt it.  Literally on the 7th of November my body did an internal flip out.  I suddenly realised that this is no longer something in the future, this is happening and it is happening in less than a month’s time.  From that moment it felt like the emotional floodgates were opened, I mean I full blown cried in public on Sunday when a guy I have never met was given the opportunity to meet a dolphin…come on I didn’t know this guy at all but I was just so happy for him – and trust me, he wasn’t even that excited.

As I mentioned in this post, Dev and I were lucky enough to be treated to a weekend away at the beach.  It was a weekend where we both decided that we would not talk about the wedding and just take time to relax and enjoy ourselves stress free.  Sounds perfect doesn’t it?  Well it was, until Sunday night, when I suffered a panic attack.  Of course I had no idea at the time what it was but at 32 years of age I have never experienced anything like it.

Sunday evening, I was tired and decided to call it a night and head to bed early, leaving Dev watching the Sunday night movie.  I read my book for a bit and then turned off my light and promptly fell asleep.  No more than 10 minutes later I woke up with such a start, literally sitting bolt upright in bed, in the most incredible panic feeling like I hadn’t breathed for AGES.  I don’t know if you have ever had that experience when you have a cold and your nose is blocked, you go to sleep and then wake up thinking you haven’t breathed?  I have, and it is not that pleasant.  Thing is on Sunday I didn’t have a cold.

I was a little bit freaked out but also incredibly tired so I shook it off and went back to sleep, no sooner had I started to doze off than I realised that again I was not breathing.  It was absolutely terrifying.  My chest was incredibly tight and I felt like I had to keep reminding myself to breathe.  I didn’t know what was going on and after this happening three more times Dev came into the room to get ready for bed.  I explained what had happened and asked him to please watch me while I fell asleep, to make sure that as soon as I fell asleep, if I stopped breathing to wake me up, or at least try to.  I know this might sound over dramatic but I can honestly tell you that on Sunday night I thought that if I fell asleep there was a strong possibility that I wasn’t going to wake up again.

I eventually did fall asleep and Monday during the day I was fine.  I laughed it off as a strange happening.  Until the same thing happened on Monday and Tuesday night.  Tuesday I ended up taking a herbal sleeping tablet as I was becoming too scared to go to sleep.  Something was up and so, under Mum’s orders I made an appointment to see our doctor.  To me I felt a bit embarrassed explaining to my doctor my symptoms and letting him know that I was getting married in 3 weeks time.  I was worried that people would judge me and think that I was not looking forward to getting married if it was causing this.  That couldn’t be further from the truth but would Dev understand that?

It was then confirmed that I was suffering from massive anxiety and he prescribed some fairly strong medication to ease my nerves.  Thankfully I only need to take these tablets when things start feeling out of control, when my chest feels incredibly tight and I feel I cannot breathe properly.

Your body is an incredible thing, as a very good friend explained to me, my body has been on ‘panic’ mode for a few months now getting things for the wedding sorted out, the ‘little things’ have now become the ‘big things’ as our wedding date draws nearer.  The fact is my body is so used to the stress, when I took two days off to go to the beach and try to relax it got a bit confused.  It felt we still had so much to do and couldn’t afford to relax so it needed to remind me but giving me that jolt of adrenaline…when explained like that it makes total sense.

So whilst I really don’t feel that stressed and I do feel like things are under control, my body has other ideas, giving me the image of a duck on water.  All calm and together above the water whilst underneath my little legs are going crazy.  I know things will be fine come wedding day.  I know that no matter what we are going to have our closest friends and family surrounding us and celebrating with us, I know it is going to be the best day of our lives together.  I just think stress is inevitable and as long as I am aware of it and can remember to breathe (sometimes with some help if needed) then it is all going be be great.

I am relieved to say that last night I went to sleep without any tablets and had a fantastic night’s sleep.  Long may that last.  So Dev, trust me, although it might sound like I am freaking out, I promise you I cannot wait to be your wife…xx

On a side note, if any of you have ever suffered from a panic attack, you will know how terrifying it can be.  Don’t be afraid to talk about it and seek help.  Untreated it has the potential of become more damaging to your body.